the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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