i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
