i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
