so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
