This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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