You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
