y did u give ur computer a hand job?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
