A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
