you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
