I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
