From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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