whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i came on her dog
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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