woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
