i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
