Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
