Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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