Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
