It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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