I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just found puke in my bra..
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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