am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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