I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
