What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
how drunk are you?
Several
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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