Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
