She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
