We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
