I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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