atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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