Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
