Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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