then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
