Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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