making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Brb crying the tears of my youth
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
