my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
