Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
