That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
