Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
ok first of all what the fuck
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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