didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
