uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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