a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
