my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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