My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
