Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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