Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
