I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
