I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
