i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
