Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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