I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
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you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
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Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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