I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
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there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
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Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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