Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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