i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
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