You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
