Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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