Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
PANTIES FOUND
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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