Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
