He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
